Oh, life!

I am back! Trying to tell you a desperate story, that I might use to look back when I gain my success that maybe still way far in the future. I won't make it sad, yet this reality that struck me this past couple of months is quite striking my mental down. 

If some people think that I am not grateful enough, maybe they are right, but maybe half wrong too. However, I still thankful of my live and I can't count how many blessings poured to me as long as I lived. I just need to keep dreaming, and gain more. I don't want my life to be blamed for my decision. That keep me so carefully thinking about my future.

It's been a year, since last year I have thought about what would I be after graduated. Even when I was in Japan, I thought it lot more, and then I did graduate! I am still 'fill in the blank' to the question that haunted me this past few months.

I returned from Japan in the early of March. Felt the urge to fill my leisure time, I sent an internship application to Klaasen Lighting Design, simply just because I sent a lot CVs through email and I got the earliest call from KLD. And fortunately --I didn't do any conspiracy-- Indra worked there too, and the latest interns have just finished days before I start. It was agreed that I will work there until I graduated. 2 months, it's enough time that I also still sent lot of CVs to many companies. I got called for a test and and an interview at last, in Takenaka, But I failed. That was my very first time having a professional recruitment process with an English test, psycho-test, and also drawing test, and I did the interview that I only read the tips over internet and maybe I was too innocent to hold out my idealism over the HRD & user. Another regretful moment that the opportunity might not come back to me twice. 

I once visited a jobfair, Kompaskarier at Balai Kartini. Another moment of regret, that I saw a lot of vacancies for Architecture graduate, but I was too consistent not to apply since their office is soooooo far from my house. It was a big deal, that I couldn't resist spending time on the way to and from office (I didn't want to be trapped on the rush working hour in the traffic or even in the train), I did defensed not to go out from my comfort zone, which is trapped me back. Lots of chance out there that hiring vacancy for Architecture (fresh)graduate, but it's faaaaaaar. And I always thought that it's ridiculous to live in boarding house instead of my parents house since it's still in Jabodetabek. And, I keep looking out for the salary of which firm could offer me a high standard payment & benefits. Phew, another regretful thought of a fresh-grad without any experience of working. 

I stopped working on KLD, then I graduated in May. Not so long after another empty schedule, I was offered to help my friends working on his project with another company. It's only a contract of 1 month and a half, I guess. While did the project, I still waiting for any company to call me for any further process of recruitment. 

I had a call from Philips (that I expected that I will be accepted too much). Another professional recruitment, with a long time phase and process. A week after the call, I was invited to have an interview with the user & HR. Next, I was appointed to have a psycho-test. Next week they gave me an assignment, and another week that I need to present the assignment to the HR, user &; the boss of the user (I don't know how to mention the hierarchy position or the division). It might be more than a month, it kept me busy for sure. So I only had a chance to have my another interview in a small & growing consultant. That was the simplest interview so far, I had a talk with the 2 bosses of the firm and they might need to build an army soon, so not taking a long time, I was offered to work there, but I could consider since they give me time to think further. Actually there were still lots of vacancy, that I was too busy with this recruitment that made me lost the poor-tunity to apply in other big companies, like Airmas, Sumarecon & Urbane. Phew.

It was Ramadan, so it might have a two weeks break for a long holiday for the workers. I kept asking about Philips, a text, an email, another text, and they finally replied 'you are two of third that was selected, but we still need more time to consider'. I exhaled a bit relieved. After Ied holiday is over, the consultant that offered me a job ask me to decide to take the job or not, yet I didn't get any certainty from Philips. I gambled, but I have asked my family about it. Bismillah. I tried to wait for Philips. Then, too bitter to be true, I was refused by Philips. For the 2 months of waiting...... It's a bog deal that it was shocking for me.

Again, the reason behind this was again about the salary. I kept believing that working in Philips could open wider opportunity that more compromising in the future than working in the consultant. Whereas, since I work in KLD, I kept saying that might not be a Lighting Designer, but I got blinded by the treasure that I said 'Why not being a Lighting Designer?' God knows what's best. Another rejection is not a failure, how about thinking that it may not be your life path, that God knows best? 

A bit underestimation, might came from family. That they can't stand my 'Unemployed' status.

I kept sending CVs to other companies, and still considering they offer. The HR of Philips still said I could try for another position of Lighting Designer, I kept coming and maybe for the last time to that building after an interview, I just had feeling that it's won't work well anymore. After that, I still didn't get another further call. 

It's almost the end of August. The eighth month of 2015. I felt like 

One minute you're on top, the next you're at the bottom. 

I felt like that feeling strikes me again. It's the hardest year after what I got in 2014. 2014 was too perfect. Yet, I still wrote my 2015 resolution, an nothing had been accomplished. But I still try on! Please believe that I did what I can do.

I just consider too many things. Why minds, why?

I got another call for an interview in a company. They offered me a job and I could start as early as possible. I rejected another offer, with the consideration that the location might not that accessible (but it did if I could spend more time/money). And the salary, is still under my expectation. I kept thinking that I cannot sell my experience of having lots of internship in my spring break while in collage, and that exchange program to Japan also didn't help. Their consideration about me as a freshgraduate is inevitable, that they consider us to enter from the lowest level, and paid the less.

In an interview, actually someone ever told me that actually the company will loss time & energy to teach you the basic of the works, that you may not understand at all for the first to third months. That was how you are considered as a fresh graduate that knows nothing about works. It's true, but I am still in phase of denial. I want more. 

Ugh. it's totally a long story now. Ok I keep going.

There is also a call from a recruitment company named Ree**coen (ok I just heard that for the first time), they posts a vacancy for architect so I applied. Only a short interview, then they said they will inform me about related jobs so they could arrange an interview for me and the company. One time, they arranged me for an interview, for the position CAD Operator, that I know it's more like offered to the Diploma/SMK graduate. I had an interview with a Japanese (who is excited about me ever lived in Osaka), and an Indonesian office manager. It was implicit that the manager doubt I want to work there. So, after the explanation about the salary, I crossed it from the list.

I also had an interview last time that I still don't know whether they accept me or not. I am just afraid that I might be unlucky that I have refused so many offers and finally I got nothing. Huhuhuhu. This regret always leads me to dream turning back time, and the regret about 'I wish I knew' things.

I realized in professional work they will only judged your performance. It's not about the salary you offer, but also what you can do to the company. Actually, my Unemployment is not merely I only waited for any calls, I did what I could do. I designed, even it cost me more time to give (maybe free) design to relatives. I try to join a competition, that might be hard to find a team since they already worked and been so busy (and maybe too settle to do another 'halah ngapain sih' thing). My routine in front of laptop everyday is because I am trying to fight for my future. That I might just give up know so that my family relieved that I already got a job.

Actually, as my another hardship to struggling my future, I contacted my Sensei in Japan and asking about the master degree and I said I want to continue study in the lab. Sensei is way toooooo kind, he explained me to the very detail about it, and there is a wide opportunity if I want to fight for it. Actually I am still unsure about this, I could tell it's a shortcut to another path to lead my future. But I may give it a try.

I ever worked, I ever did the overtime. It's not comfortable to return back to your parents house over than 9PM, especially if your parents is PNS that have returned home before Maghrib. If I ever thought that my life is in a nutshell, it did. My parents might not know what I did in Jogja & Japan, my daily routine to face the computer screen, the overtime, that many sleepless night, that deadlines, I never showed it before and when I did, I keep feeling that I was chained. I am way more like myself in the place far away, that I can miss home when it supposed to be a lonely contemplating time far away. But it different when I stayed quite long at home.

I am babbling too much. 

I want to be sure about what I did, I don't want to regret about my decision.

I want lots of support, not to be judged and underestimation, especially from the closest people.

I am still fighting.

Wish me luck.

*Dear future successful Tyas, please look back to this story, that you might cry if you re-read this, or you might be more grateful about your life, that you should remember you ever be so fragile, and you are a lot stronger now.